BREAK BAD HABITS, RAISE STRONG DAUGHTERS & COMPASSIONATE SONS

Life was very different at the start of 2020.

We were all happily (or not) moving along deeply immersed in our routines of shuttling kids to school, commuting to work, and planning birthday parties. Our calendars were packed as we chugged along on autopilot.

As frustrating (often unnerving) as Shelter In Place is, it’s also a gift. No matter what your experience has been, slowing the clock and living a real-life version of Groundhogs Day, exposes our shortcomings and has amplified our need to pay attention to our emotional state.

Back in high school, my stepmom completely lost it on me and my dad. After dinner, he and I cleared the table and headed into the living room to watch TV as we always did. About four toes into my new sparkly nail polish my stepmom flew into the room in an utter rage.

“I wish I could come in here and paint my nails or watch the news!”

On my dad’s cue, we jumped up and finished cleaning the kitchen while my stepmom took a walk never to bring it up again. Or at least not as long as we were making an effort to help.

While her anger is understandable, even at 14, I saw the problem was with her and not us.

She was an over-giver and rarely asked for or accepted help. By not understanding her needs and communicating them clearly, she essentially trained us how to behave.

She had become an accidental martyr.

In the U.S, and probably 98% of the world, women are conditioned not to speak up. If we do we run the risk of being labeled bitchy, angry, or my favorite, “nasty.” If you don't get labeled, you often get a reaction — which is often more damaging.

We speak up, show frustration or concern and we’re ignored or told to calm down. Take a moment and think about the ways your family, friends, and coworkers respond to you. Do they take in what you say and engage? Or are you the dramatic one in the family? The bossy coworker? The friend that can be "too much?"

At some point, most of us stop trying and start believing what we're being told.

From asking the host for a window table to asking for a raise, women often struggle to speak up. It’s a complex issue deeply ingrained in our culture. But we parents are the key to unraveling the mess.

We’ve all done some version of my stepmom’s failure to ask for help. Personally I used to wait to do the dishes, fold clothes, or make dinner until my husband was home. Which left me wiped out by 9pm and seething because once again he didn’t “notice” all of my hard work.

I didn’t recognize the problem wasn’t his lack of appreciation, but rather my lack of asking for help from the entire family. My problem was the same as my stepmoms: I had accidentally slipped into martyrdom.

If we want to live a more complete, fulfilled life, we must speak up for ourselves.

And when we do that, we train our kids to be responsible and respect all voices. We get to show them how good communication can work. So when they’re older, maybe married with their own kids, they’ll respect their spouse, naturally speak up in conference rooms, and teach another generation to do the same.

→ To get from here to there, you have to understand your needs.

Sometimes your needs aren’t a weekend away to decompress but simply help with the dinner dishes. Our inability to ask for help, or even recognize the need, can cause more than the occasional blow-up. It negatively impacts your happiness and the happiness of those around you.

In January 2020 I felt at ease in my home. Content and fairly happy. I understood my needs and for the past few years had been relentlessly working on communication with my family. But the first two weeks of the pandemic knocked me on my ass. My stress skyrocketed and I went into damage control making sure everyone around me was soothed, fed, and as comfortable as possible.

I was, once again, an accidental martyr.

It took me a while to recognize my old patterns, but there they were. Putting myself at the end of my to-list and rather than communicate clearly, I was blowing up or imploding. Stressed, with building resentment, I spent the next several weeks mending my situation and working on my communication. It didn’t take long because I had already traveled down this road and had the tools to quickly adjust.

Let’s take my years of struggles and triumphs and fast track your learning. 

How to avoid accidental martyrdom:

1. Understand how you feel. Give yourself space to think. Sit in solitude and allow your thoughts to flow. Try writing in a journal. Confide in a reliable, non-judgemental friend.

2. Decide what you need and ask for it. Maybe you need downtime every day to reset? Or help with cleaning or cooking? Do you need your partner to take on more of the childrearing? If you could change one thing, what would yield the most results? Start there.

3. Release control and exhale. If you’re doing the work and clearly communicating your needs, that alone is worth celebrating. You’re taking care of yourself and if your people aren’t meeting your needs, or even attempting to, you get to figure out what’s next with a level, clear head. How you handle it will no longer be tainted by frustration or anger.

In case you need it, I give you permission to feel however you are feeling and ask for help.

Choose you.
Stop continuing along as though nothing is bothering you.

I didn’t understand my stepmom needed help. But if she had known how to sort out her anger and TALKED about what she needed, expectations would have been set, and helping her would have become easier.

My husband didn’t know I was exhausted by the invisible work. It was up to me to prioritize my sanity. When I took my unhappiness seriously, I dug deep and discovered I was miserable about a lot of things, not just feeling unappreciated.

With step one out of the way, I was free to move forward. 

Here's what I want you to remember:

Once you develop self-advocacy skills, they never go away. You are always you own cheerleader, coach, and parent. And when the unexpected happens, baseball season rolls around, or your new client pulls you in 8 different directions, you have the knowledge and skill to move through it rather than take it out on the ones you love. 

Two resources:

1.— If you truly struggle with asking for help, check out Rejection Proof. It’s easy to read and might give you a few more tools to help you ask for what we want without guilt or fear.

2.—Girls Leadership is another fantastic resource. Specifically this article about raising strong girls. The website is geared toward parenting, but it’s surprisingly helpful on our journey to become confident women (make sure you check out article comments!).

Don’t expect to nail it right away. You’ll need to work on communication, expectations, and empathy—especially if you’ve been steeped in patterns for 10+ years.

When you stop doing all-the-things and start holding other people under your roof accountable, change happens. Slow, but steady change. For you, your spouse, and kids.

Today, in my home, everyone is expected to help with dinner dishes and we all have rotating weekly chores. Is there pushback? Yes. But as time moves along its less dramatic and sometimes doesn’t happen at all.

One way or another, you’re training your family how to treat you. They’re either learning how to help or learning they don’t have to.

Let’s get our act together so we can live a more balanced life and help raise some confident and compassionate kids. The world needs us right now. 

P.S. Beyond delegating your workload and getting comfortable with asking for help, introduce the phrase "can I help?"  When your child struggles to put their books back on the shelf, resist the urge to do it for them. Instead ask, "can I help?" They get to figure out the problem and a potential solution. You’re help may or may not be needed. Letting them sort out they need is the key.

Also, insist your family asks the same question when it comes to chores. Don't tell them what to do, get them into the habit of asking what needs to be done, and how they can help. The hope is they'll learn to look for ways to help rather than wait to be told what to do. Imagine a playground or workplace filled with helpful people?

Before you go:I've opened up a few more spots on my calendar - let's hop on Zoom and for 15 minutes to chat about your needs and how I might be able to help. Grab a spot on my calendar for a free video call. 

More to read:

Stress Management During SIP (or anytime)

How Parents Can Master The Unexpected (when life looks better on paper)