FROM ANOREXIA TO MENOPAUSE

“You’re out of shape. Jiggly. Look at your thighs! And your arms? You’re going to have flabby old lady arms if you’re not careful… you should stop eating so much. Go to the gym more. And I can’t handle your hair. Why haven’t you fixed it yet? The color is all wrong. What were you thinking? What about your face? Ugh… those lines keep coming. Why did you spend so much time in tanning booths? Who were you trying to impress? Well now, look at you… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t look at you right now…”

If the last two decades of my life had a soundtrack, these thoughts would be it. Followed by a deep shame for engaging in what I know is hurtful and harmful thinking.

It was unavoidable. If I passed by my reflection in a store window, automatically I’d find something wrong. And having a full-length mirror in our bedroom was absolutely out of the question. I couldn’t take the mental berating. Two years ago my negative thoughts about my physical appearance hit a high and I snapped — at least it felt like that, but as I write this I realize the change was years in the making.

We all have demoralizing inner monologues that torpedo our self-worth. Especially women.

I’ve heard hints of pain revolving around a childhood, reckless teen years, lack of a fulfilling job, frumpy wardrobes, parenting struggles, and inadequate homes. The belittling list seems endless. Besides the obvious difficulty of these thoughts even existing, are the endless memes expounding “love yourself” or “you are worth it”.

Yes, these are wonderfully supportive reminders for someone who is on their path, but what if you’re still stuck in your head and can’t “love yourself” quite yet? To people like me, those sweet, uplifting notes aren’t reminders of what to do, but of what you’re not.

As I creep closer to 50, my anxiety is on the rise. I desperately fear being seen as a frumpy middle-aged mom, but I also fear being overlooked (something that happens often with our youth-obsessed America).

Aging is a constant worry many of us have. And since I'm out here in the front, I'll tell you this is a train we can't jump off, so get comfortable in your seats (or finely lined skin).

If it wasn't clear from my internal dialog, I'm a recovering anorexic and my body dysmorphia is expert level. This doesn't couple well with aging. I'm already on high alert.

But, after digging in and doing some serious self-discovery, I'm learning to accept who I am and, (gasp!) falling in love with progress over perfection.

After decades of being wrapped up in how I looked, I wasn’t able to see what was more important: how I felt.

In most other areas of my life, I use “how I WANT to feel” as a guide. My goal? To feel content when I climb into bed at night. It drives my day. From the way the bed is made to how I interacted with my kids to the work I accomplished that day— when I’m signing off, I want to feel settled.

Feeling small and inadequate was not on my list of things to feel. Once I experienced the satisfaction of using how I feel as motivation, I realized it’s the key to contentment. It was time to feel better about the way I looked and two years ago I shifted from blame to action.

And since I’m the absolute master at planning and a self-proclaimed efficiency expert, I began the task of figuring out my pain points and mapping out a way to solve them. And this is where David Goggins comes in. He’s crass but his message is gold.

Over the years I’ve read a handful of self-improvement books, and while I generally take away one or two nuggets, for the most part, these books wind up in the donation bin. Nothing really stuck until I stumbled upon David Goggins’ Can’t Hurt Me. Where the other books gave me tiny flicks in the forehead for change, Goggins’ book was a punch in the face. Do. The. Work.

The message wasn’t new to me, we’ve all heard some variation of it, and I’ve been practicing it for years on my professional goals, or running a household, but never to my thoughts.

Coupling his message with my key takeaway from Rachel Hollis’ Girl Wash Your Face, never break a promise to yourself, I found my fuel to move.

If you are guilty of negative self-talk, you’re not alone. It doesn’t matter what's hurting, you have choices. Minuscule to monumental. The first choice you have is to do something or not.

Years ago Snooki lost her post-pregnancy weight lightning fast. When asked how she did it, she said something along the lines of “you have to want it more than you don’t.” These words have taken up camp in the back of my brain ever since (I know. Of all the reading I do, this is who I’m quoting? Just wait. It gets weirder).

Before listening to Can’t Hurt Me, I already began to make changes to my inner-nagging, but my heart wasn’t in it 100% (like when you know you need to be consistent when parenting, but you repeatedly bend the rules in favor of whatever is easier. You know what you need to do, but it’s too hard).

I was dabbling in true change.

It was time to apply a problem-solving strategy to my inner issues. “How do I want to feel?” In hindsight, I realize I took myself through my Magic in the Mayhem course at an elevated level.

Identify your biggest pain points and get to work solving them.

As you can guess by the inner rant I opened with, my three chronic complaints were my hair, body, and clothes. And in that order.

I knew I needed external help because all of these things were beyond my area of expertise. I chose to spend the money on people who would make it easy for me to feel better about myself on the outside, so I could shift my focus to the inside.

✓ An expensive, new hairstylist (worth EVERY SINGLE DINGLE DOLLAR).

✓ A metabolic guru.

✓ A personal wardrobe stylist.

Basically, I purchased my own dream team. And it worked.

I am fully aware that my financial situation allows me these extras, but the internet can be your dream team. Between Pinterest and Youtube, you'll be off and running!

It's so important for you to know that no matter what your struggle, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And you CAN feel better about yourself, your parenting, your life.

Sometimes the hardest part isn't deciding you're ready for change, but what to do about it. I'm here to tell you everything is solvable. It may not be an ideal outcome initially, but any movement forward is progress.

Start with what's bothering you the most. Your #1 concern. Now, how can you change it?

In the end, turning 50 indeed was a big deal, but not because I’m now halfway to 100 but because I’m finally feeling whole and more content than I thought possible.

Yes, my insecurities flare-up, but I have the tools to talk myself down. Life is ever-evolving and the key is to continue to do the work. 

Also, for those of you nearing/passed the 50 mark, there's more good news. Not only do we have experience and wisdom on our side, but our expectations naturally shift.  Today, when I hear a whisper of self-degradation, I get to say to myself, “Pretty good for 50.”

P.S. Worried about haters or being judged? There is an upside to our negative self-talk... as Eminem said, "I'm harder on myself than you could ever be." That's right, people. Snookie and Eminem in one post. You're very welcome.