ON LOSING MY FATHER AND GAINING PERSPECTIVE

Back in the dot-com days, when Pets.com made it big because of an irreverent sock puppet and Tivo blew our minds with its magical ways, both my husband and I worked for one of the best-known startups of all time, Webvan.com.

When I say best-known, I don’t mean in a good way. As with many things, it started brilliantly and then fell fast. Webvan is now considered one of the top 10 biggest dot-com failures. Lucky us.

In 2001 Webvan declared bankruptcy. We were bummed that we lost our jobs and were crushed when we realized the vast amount of stock we had accumulated was worth exactly zero dollars. I distinctly remember, nearly a year prior, how my dad marveled at our financial worth. But he reminded me it was all on paper and suggested I not become too attached to any numbers. I was grateful for his wisdom when the company eventually closed its doors.

Years later, his words echoed in my head as I walked into his memorial service.

Have you ever been dancing along in your day feeling quite good about ticking things off your to-do list when your day suddenly flips? A conversation with a friend reveals he’s struggling with deep depression. Or maybe it’s a letter from your landlord with news she’s selling your rental. A note slipped into your child’s lunch box announcing your overbooked daycare can no longer watch your toddler. Or, in my case, a phone call from your father informing you he has cancer.

Devastation doesn’t begin to express my level of sorrow. My dad's death disrupted everything thing I had been quietly planning. Daydreams of watching him bond with his future grandkid vaporized. Life was not at all what I’d planned –– on paper or in my head.

Protecting myself from further pain and disappointment, I decided I hadn’t planned enough. Yes, life is far less in my control than I imagined, but surely there were things in my sphere of influence I could tightly grasp: our overpriced California fixer-upper and my pregnancy, for starters. (I know. Absolutely laughable in hindsight).

Three years after my dad’s death, I gave birth to his second grandchild and my first son. But by now, you would think I’d have learned to embrace the unknown. I hadn't. Instead, I assumed I must not be planning enough.

For the next several years, I fought unpredictably with tooth and nail.

I planned and planned again. I had contingency plans for my contingency plans. Plans A, B, and C. Diapers and a change of clothes in the diaper bag, my car, and the stroller. You could find snacks in every pocket of our car and corner of my purse. I also took to stashing extra cash in my jackets, camera bag, and car because of that ONE time I didn’t have change for the toll bridge.

I was exhausted. My prepping and managing had taken a toll on me, and I knew something wasn’t right.

Over several years, I began to understand how to work with my lack of control. Not against it.

The planning isn’t the problem. My deep attachment to the outcome was.

Growing up, my mom had a mantra: “don’t fight the flow,” and it took me nearly 40 years to understand what it meant. But I got the message. Finally.

Babies reduced any notion of “this is the plan” to dust. If you have kids (or spent more than an hour around one), you know what I mean.

Our parenting plans on paper look doable and beautiful, but they rarely happen as we anticipate.

At some point, we recognize we have to loosen our grip on the results because children teach us white-knuckling our expectations is pointless.

And this is a beautiful lesson.

☞ Don't stop dreaming or planning.
☞ Do start being comfortable with the unknown.

Babies have taught us how to love uncontrollably and how to manage the unknown.

Mothers are experts at adjusting on the fly—because you never know when your baby will have a blowout or your toddler will fall face-first into a fountain. Weird as it sounds, we can use this knowledge to better ourselves.

Parents, especially moms, have almost a sixth sense when it comes to adapting.

We’ve somehow learned how to navigate bad or unexpected events and, more impressively, figure out how to salvage the situation turning a potentially ruined outing into a successful one.

We can apply this to our daily routines and use it when we receive unwelcome news. When the unexpected happens, instead of uncorking a bottle of wine, ask yourself, “How am I going to handle this?” Just like you would with a leaky diaper or lost lovie.

Tap into your parenting experience, and practice letting go of your expectations. Remind yourself that everything is in motion, and your life can change at the drop of a phone call, but that doesn’t mean you can’t handle it. You can.

Moms are hands down the absolute best at rolling with change.

🥰

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