Don't just face your fears, buy them a drink...

We sat next to each other in a somewhat seedy Irish pub on the edge of the North Beach district of San Francisco, slowly peeling back the layers of who we were. Between sips of beer, we peppered one another with question upon question, revealing a little more about who we really were.

This was our first date, and I remember it vividly—not because I had successfully gotten us lost in the city, making us miss Austin Powers and forcing us to watch Breakdown in the first row (I swear I could touch the screen with my toes!), but because the more we talked, the more I discovered, the more I realized that the guy I was sitting next to was made for me.

Fast forward 16 years, and it turns out I was right. But guess what? Had we not tried to understand who the other person was, I would never have known he was the guy for me.

This is the way we need to approach our fears.

Merely facing your fears isn't enough. Because really, what does that mean? "Facing your fears" is just acknowledging that they exist and do your best in spite of them. I say that isn't enough. I say we need to do more.

Simply facing your fears is like finding out someone’s name. It doesn’t tell you anything more about the person.

But if you ask your fears questions, you’ll find out why they exist.

Explore the fears with the same curiosity of a first date.

Understanding why you’re afraid is the quickest way to through the fear and head to your goal. No matter what that goal is.

And I know this from personal experience...For three years, I’ve been talking to myself about my desire to help other moms create their dream businesses. To help them get to where they want to be. Help them remove obstacles and push them into the light.

But rather than move on my own dream business, I made excuses. Time was the big one. It wasn’t the right time, or there wasn’t enough of it. Sometimes I told myself both.

Something shifted for me last summer. Maybe it was realizing that I’m in my forties now, and if I don’t move soon, I’ll be singing this same tune well into my fifties (and likely sixties).

I started asking myself a series of questions about why I wasn’t already moving on my dream, starting with “what are you afraid of?”

The answer came quickly:

“I am afraid it won’t work. I’m worried people won’t buy it. I’m petrified I’ll fail, and then what will I do?”

Okay great. Now I know the names of my fears.

Without drilling down and asking questions of your fears, we’re stopping short. Keep asking questions. Ask until you’ve unwound the entire ball of fear yarn.

Are you afraid of trying new things? Why?
Are you worried you’re not a good parent? Why?
Do you stress about making enough money? Why?

Once you know what you’re up against (fear, dread, unease…), you can exercise the rational part of your brain, walk yourself through the emotion, and get to the action.

When you know what you’re terrified of, you can make moves to change, address, solve for it. If you keep hiding behind your fear, you’ll never know what you can or can’t do.

Remember, everything you’ve ever done was, at one time, new to you. And if you want to push past any mental roadblock, use the “first date interview” process.

I wouldn’t be writing this post today if I didn’t do the hard work of sorting out the underlying emotions. Instead, I’d be looking at everyone else doing what I wish I could do rather than putting effort into trying.

So get boozy with your fears. Treat it like a first date and get to the bottom of why you’re afraid.

You don’t have to solve the problem, but you need to know what you’re really up against.

It's time to stand up and be noticed for more than your delicious baked french toast. It's time to stop dreaming and start doing.

Need a little help? I got you.