3 Steps To Help you Take Up Space With Grace

Nov 3

YOU BELONG WHEREVER YOU ARE

The strangest thing happened when I hired a personal trainer a few years ago.

Every time we’d meet, she’d instruct me to move the weights to where I needed them, mark my bench with a towel if I had to walk away, and in general, take ownership of my workout area.

Out of fear of doing the wrong thing, I repeatedly asked if moving the weights and equipment was okay. To which my new trainer replied, “YES.” At first with enthusiasm and then with concern.

Frustrated with my continual asking for permission, she said, “You pay to be here. So do what you need to do. Don’t worry about anyone else.”

Two things you should know: I have never considered myself a shrinking violet and am wildly comfortable in a gym.

This was THE moment I realized how widespread my fear of being seen is.

Years ago, I noticed how timid I looked in a couple of my wedding photos. Upon reflection, I realized I was trying to go unnoticed (at MY wedding) because I was afraid to show my entire personality to guests and new relatives.

And then I noticed how often I’d step off the sidewalk first rather than wait to see what the oncoming person does.

After some fancy calculations, it’s evident that I was afraid to take up space.

Sound familiar? It should. When I polled over 1K women, 12% felt confident in every setting. The rest of us hold back in a variety of ways.

In hindsight, I see much of my early adult life was steeped in imposter syndrome. At some point, I began to worry what people thought about me, concerned if they REALLY knew me, my weird and wild sides, they’d turn away.

Now I understand how those quirky and “out of the norm” characteristics make me, me.

And, good news, your quirks are what make you, you.

THREE STEPS TO GO FROM UNCOMFORTABLE TO CONFIDENT:

1— HOW DO YOU HOLD BACK?:

→ Do you feel as though you don’t belong where you are?
→ When do you think unwanted/unwelcome?
→ Are you the first to step off sidewalks, scoot over on the bus, or apologize for no reason?
→ How do you accommodate other people in person, online, and on your calendar?

2— OWN WHO YOU ARE BY REPLACING UNWANTED BEHAVIORS WITH MORE CONFIDENT ONES:

Here are some common ways we shrink replaced by possible graceful alternatives:

→ On the sidewalk: Slow your pace, get eye contact, and see what happens. In the gym? Practice saying “yes, when I’m done” or “I’m still using that” or “I’m working out here.”
→ In your work: Speak up. Say no. Ask for the sale or referral.
→ On your calendar: Start adding time for yourself. Don’t ask permission from your family. Take. Up. Space.
→ In conversations: If you’re spoken over, call them on it. “I’m not done,” “Hold on, let me finish,” or my favorite, “You cut me off.”
→ In your home: Speak up. Tell your family how you’re feeling and release the worry of how they’ll react. You’re allowed to feel frustrated, upset, or angry. If you yell, apologize for yelling, but not for feeling the way you do.
→ In photos: stand tall. Tell yourself you belong. Here’s your new mantra, “I’m here. I’m here. I’m here.”

HORTON HEARS A WHO

3— PRACTICE & PATIENCE

→ Intentionally put yourself in situations you typically struggle to be seen and try your replacement behavior.

Our society conditions us to EXPECT women to adapt to the needs of others. Challenging our cultural norms is scary and takes courage, but it’s a choice: continue to go unseen, fearful of taking up space, or live more fully.

In the end, you are responsible for how you live.

When you take up space, physically, mentally, and emotionally, you get to live more fully AND emulate a better life for your kids.

Imagine your daughter stands tall and speaks up, and your son grows into an adult who simply expects women to take up space.

With so much love,