How I Went from Single-Girl Dreams to the Chaos of Raising Kids
PARENTING IN PHASES: NAVIGATING THE STAGES OF MOTHERHOOD
Motherhood blindsided me. I was wholly unprepared for the chaos, the bone-deep exhaustion, and the uncontrollable love.
Unlike many women I know, I didn’t grow up dreaming of marriage or kids. I wasn’t the kind of girl who played house or had baby dolls to dress and bathe. I was raised to be independent—whether intentionally or not—so my plans mostly revolved around what I wanted, where I was headed, and how on earth I’d pay down my student loans.
It didn’t even dawn on me that I hadn’t been planning for family life until my best friend, Andrea, told me she had a vision to be married at 25 and have two kids by 30. I didn’t even know people planned their lives like that.
ahhh to be 25 again!
So, for a fleeting moment in my early twenties, I thought about having kids. But as fast as the thought came, it left, filed away somewhere in my mind beside the equally theoretical idea of “marriage.” Then I packed my bags and headed to San Francisco, ready to live the kind of single-girl life you only see in movies—with far less money, of course.
And then, I met a boy.
He was cute, kind, and funny (but not as funny as I am because, hello, I’m hilarious!). Five years later, I was pregnant, living in a fixer-upper, and failing to train a puppy.
In the words of Chandler Bing, could life BE any more different?
The first few years of motherhood were a blur of exhaustion, love, and a low hum of anxiety that I now realize is just part of the job. After our second child arrived, just when I felt like I might be getting the hang of things, the internet entered the chat to tell me otherwise.
This was around the dawn of Pinterest and Facebook groups, where it was open season on young mothers. Suddenly, everyone had an opinion about the “right” way to raise children, and the list of ways we could fail our kids was endless.
Are you using BPA-free sippy cups?
Serving organic, made-from-scratch meals?
Keeping the laundry folded and the dishes done?
And let's not forget the answer to all of our problems: making time for self-care.
But in reality, getting our nails done or finding time to go to the gym didn’t feel like self-care. It felt like more work.
Who could keep up?
But somehow, I survived those judgmental, exhausting years. And as my kids grew into tweens and teens, I started to see a pattern: just as children go through stages of development, so do moms.
I could plainly see how we’re all going through three stages of motherhood, each with its own challenges and gifts.
Knowing these stages would have helped me relax and stay present a long time ago. Now, they help me feel grounded as I inch toward the next phase of my life, the other side of motherhood.
Here’s how I see the stages of motherhood and what I think we can focus on in each one to feel good about where we are while preparing for what comes next:
Full-Time Mom: When your kids are little, from newborn through middle school, they need you constantly. This is the season of diapers, homework, meals, and near-constant vigilance. It’s intense and all-consuming, but it’s also temporary. It’s the stage where we really lean into mothering.
Part-Time Mom: As your child reaches adolescence, they’ll naturally start to pull away. By age 10, most kids need less hand-holding, and by the teenage years, they need more space than ever. It’s a natural part of their growth and a chance for you to refocus your energy on yourself.
On-Call Mom: When your kids are 18-25, they’re on their own adventure, and you’re there to advise, not manage. They may need you occasionally, but they can mostly figure it out on their own. Now is the time to move on YOUR dreams and goals—things you’ve put on hold for years.
Had I known this was the rough path of motherhood, I would have exhaled sooner and loosened my grip a bit earlier. But here we are, carrying on, shifting focus to the one thing we truly can control—ourselves.
💥 If you want to learn more, I’ve got a substack where I’ll dig into each stage and offer some practical tips so you can find fulfillment outside of motherhood while still being there for your kids. And yes, you can do both: you can be a great mom and still nurture the parts of yourself that make you whole. JOIN MY SUBSTACK HERE
Thank you for reading my blog and for being here. I appreciate you 🥰
